


something in the way

by strobelights



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, M/M, Misunderstandings, Pining, World War II
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-30
Updated: 2018-04-30
Packaged: 2019-04-30 09:40:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14494161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strobelights/pseuds/strobelights
Summary: Bucky isn't a selfish guy, but Steve has always made him feel things he shouldn't.





	something in the way

Here’s the thing. Bucky isn’t a selfish guy. Never has been. Growing up, like Steve, he didn’t have much, but he’d spare what he could to a stranger in the street. Hell, when Mrs. Caputo next door died, he helped her girls with the funeral costs. It wasn’t cheap yet he didn’t think twice about it. But when it came to Steve, sure Bucky could be a little selfish. Steve was his best pal, of course, and Bucky wanted him there always. He’d never had to share Steve before, because people were too blind and stupid to see him for great guy he was. Now that he’s big and built like Michelangelo's David, everyone wanted a piece of him. It’s hard to smother the voice inside him screaming _You don’t deserve him. You didn’t want him then, you don’t deserve him now._

\--

The night Bucky shipped out, Steve kissed him. They had both been sitting on the couch, staring into space. Bucky didn’t want to leave. Steve didn’t want Bucky to leave him. One minute, Steve was looking down, wondering _what if_ , the next minute he grabbed Bucky’s face and slotted their lips together. Steve’s were dry but it didn’t matter. God, nothing else mattered but this. Bucky arched into the kiss, deepening it, putting his hands on Steve’s waist. He wanted to touch him everywhere, but there was no time. Shit. He was shipping out.

“Stevie. Steve, stop,” he said dejectedly. Getting the one thing he’d wanted forever and having to stop it killed him, but he didn’t want Steve to sit at home and pine for years on end. He wasn’t that selfish.

“Why?” Steve asked, but he did stop. Bucky wished he had some artistic talent to capture the look on his face; swollen lips, a flush to the cheeks and a shine in his eyes. 

“I just wanna say that I want this. ‘Course I do, don’t get me wrong now. But we’re both gonna miss each other like hell, and I won’t have you missing this before you even get to have it. It’s not fair. Maybe if I… _when_ I come home we’ll have all the time in the world,” he hoped, anyway. “If you’ll have me, that is.”

Steve let out an exasperated sigh. “James Buchanan Barnes. I knew your mother and she didn’t raise an idiot. Of course I’ll want this. I’ve been wanting you since ‘33 and it’s going nowhere.” Steve grabbed Bucky’s hands in his, rubbing them in a gesture of reassurance. His technique could use a little work, but he found himself relaxing in spite of it. 

“Got you beat there, pal. 1932. Like you said, Ma didn’t raise an idiot.”

\-- 

The air felt different in Europe. It was cleaner, fresher it seemed, or maybe he just couldn’t remember how it felt at home. He and Gabe sat quietly together, taking it all in. Bucky was used to noise, all his damn life he had never had peace and quiet, nor did he need it, but after Zola things were different for all of them. All of them but Steve. If anything, he just fussed more over Bucky, worrying his lip when it took Bucky half a second to compose himself. Having Steve’s attention made him feel special. He irrationally wanted to shove it in every undeserving admirer of Steve. _Look at me. Maybe if you’d given him the time of day before, you’d know how this feels._

Hearing strained voices behind him, Bucky tossed a glance over his shoulder to see who it was. Gabe didn’t bother, too lost in his thoughts, whereas Bucky couldn’t help it. Paranoia. Never knowing what could happen, any second now. It was only Steve though, thank the Lord. Agent Carter too. They were too far away to clearly hear what they were saying, but it didn’t matter; he could tell by the eyes the were making at each other, the tilt of their bodies. Oh, he thought. He should’ve been paying more attention.

He suddenly felt a fool for believing Steve’s promise that night. _Of course I’ll want this._ What a difference a few months and a war had made. He couldn’t blame Steve though, of course not. If Bucky were attracted to dames maybe he’d feel the same. But he wasn’t, and unlike Steve, Bucky had really and truly meant what he said. His feelings hadn’t gone anywhere, not since he looked at him one night and all of a sudden things became clear. He loved Steve and not in a brotherly way. _I’m fucked. God help me_ , he had said to himself. He felt that same dread and fear now, in the middle of a warzone. There seemed more rational things to fear, but here he was anyway.

\--

It seemed to get colder every night in Europe. Tonight was no exception. The perks of being Captain America’s best friend meant he got to share private quarters with the man himself. There were two beds, naturally, but that hadn’t stopped Bucky commandeering Steve’s bed that first night they arrived. Steve had opened his arms, and he fell into them, grateful for his own personal furnace. At least that was one thing the serum got right.

It was early by everyone’s standards, a mere 2200 hours when Bucky decided to slope off from the Commandos. He just needed a while to himself. Gabe and Morita waved him off, understanding. It was getting harder to pretend that all was well, to purposely ignore the furrow of Steve’s brow. He just wanted a goddamn minute of peace while he could have it. He toed off his boots, peeled off his jacket and found himself in the bed assigned to Sergeant J.B Barnes. It was sure to be a cold night, but he’d rather freeze his ass off than sleep with his head on Steve’s chest, knowing he wouldn’t have it after the war. He might as well get used to sleeping alone.

He wasn’t even five minutes in the bed before he heard the heavy footsteps and turn of the door handle. Steve. Of course. He barged in, that same furrow to his brow as he’d had in the pub. Concerned eyes met his, so he averted his gaze to the ceiling. 

“What the hell are you doing?” Steve demanded with an edge in his tone. 

“Well, I was planning on getting some sleep before you barged in here. Mind giving me some peace for once?” It felt out of place to talk to Steve like this, but in the moment he _felt_ it. He quickly blinked the threatening tears back.

“I meant, what the hell are you doing in that bed?” He sounded hurt. Like hell if Bucky was going to feel bad, he wasn’t the one who kissed Steve and then went and caught feelings for someone else. 

“It’s my bed. Assigned to Sergeant J.B Barnes, see? You know me, gotta stick to regulation.” He tried to sound harsh, but it came out more defeated. He turned to his side, facing away from Steve as if to say _Now get the hell out. Even if this is your room too._

“You’ve never stuck to a goddamn rule in your life, Buck. Don’t try that shit with me,” he warned, and all of a sudden he was sitting at Bucky’s bed. A hand fell on his shoulder. Bucky flinched and sat up, Steve’s hand still in the air. 

Bucky knew it was a bad idea, but he had to see what Steve would do. He followed Steve’s direction from that night, that goddamn night, took Steve’s face in cold hands and kissed him. Steve remained still, not moving an inch. There was Bucky’s answer, then. He pulled away and dropped his head in his hands. 

“Bucky,” Steve pleaded, but he didn’t know what for. It sounded like _I’m sorry I don’t feel the same way anymore, but you’re still my friend. Look at me_ , it sounded like, but he couldn’t. Steve pulled his arms from his holding his head and held his chin between two fingers. He lifted his head up, real gentle, and pressed their lips together again. The shock Bucky felt that night came back to him, alongside confusion and maybe a little hope. 

It took Bucky a second to pull away. They needed to clear things up before his head started spinning. “I thought…” he started, but Steve was quick on his feet tonight. 

“You saw me and Agent Carter together. Made some assumptions without even breathing a word to me about it.” He sounded offended, and it made Bucky want to laugh. Gabe wasn’t so lost in his thoughts after all. 

“Hard not to with the way you looked at her. It’s fine Stevie, you know me. Gimme a few days and I’ll bounce back, always do.”

“God you are such a jerk, Bucky Barnes. I wonder how I fell in love with such an idiot,” he said, but it sounded fond and a little exasperated. 

Bucky didn’t know what to say back. There were too many thoughts flying through his head. He loves me, he thought, and knew it was true. The look in Steve’s eyes proved it. It was the same look he’d had that night, and come to think of it, the same look he’d had since 1934.  
He must of still looked dumbfounded because Steve continued. “Of course I was a little mooney-eyed, jerk. Agent Carter is one of the best damn agents the war has ever seen, and she’s a great woman too. Even when I was small, she treated me with respect. But the only person I want to be with is you. Even if we can’t be like the others, I still want us.” Steve touched his forehead against Bucky’s, hands resting gently on his thighs. 

Bucky gave in. How he could he resist Steve, looking up at him like that? “I love you too, even if you’re an absolute sap,” he smiled. “I would’ve been happy for you, you know. I just need some time, is all. See, I found I’m real selfish with it comes to you, and I didn’t want to share.”

Steve smiled a little. “Well, good news is you don’t have to. Now, I do have to talk to people now and again, I hope-” he was cut off by Bucky smiling into his mouth, gleeful. 

“I might be able to spare you every now and then,” he whispered, before getting up and pulling Steve by the hand to their bed. He sat on the edge until warm hands pushed him down. A heavy body moved to straddle his thighs, and Bucky smiled all night like a lovestruck fool. Finally.

Sure, Bucky was selfish when it came to Steve. He wanted all of him, always, but the one thing he’d never have to share was Steve’s love. That would only ever be for Bucky.

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from the song of the same name by Nirvana. Forgive any spelling/grammar errors.


End file.
